The Body Electric

I got an e-mail today. It's title?

Out of control female gushers antny!

Ah-ha, thought I, yet another spam email filled with pornographic material. Yet when I clicked on it, after the requisite few lines (no pictures!) detailing a DVD available for purchase which features "exploding holes" there was this text:

Joke Of The Day
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

(Oh yeah - here it comes. A few typos/misspellings, but "Why are you eating grass?" is an awesome set-up.)

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

(Okay, I'm not into the whole incest-orgy thing, and the typos are getting a little annoying, but still funny situation, lots of porn possibility. Take me for a ride.)

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

(Boring. Plot. Yawn.)

The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

WHAT!? That's it? That's the joke? That's not a porn joke. That's not an out of control female gushers joke! Except for the occasional typo turning the word "lawyer" into "layer" there's not a single reason why this joke should ever be in an e-mail advertising porn.

It's not a solitary incident either. In another e-mail I got today, entitled, "Whoa antny look at these videoclips," there was no porn at all. The whole e-mail was just a bunch of random letters and symbols.

Take a look:

_____8888M:::::888MM:::::::::::8::::::::::::::M:::::8888::::::M::::M
____88888M:::::88:M::::::::::::::8::::::::::::::M::::8888::::::::M::M
___88_888MM::888:M::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::8888::::::::::::M:
___8 88888M:::88::M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::88:::::::::::::::M
_____88888M:::88::M::::::::::::::*88*:::::::::::::M::88:::::::::::::::::M
____888888M:::88::M::::::::::::88@@88:::::::::::M::::88:::::::::::::::::M
____888888MM::88:MM::::::::::88@@88:::::::::::M:::::8::::::::::::::::::*8
____88888__M:::8::MM::::::::::::*88*:::::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::88@@
____8888___MM::::::MM:::::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::::::::::::::::::::::::88@@
_____888____M:::::::MM:::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::M::::::::::::::::::::::::*8
_____888____MM:::::::MMM:::::::::::::::::::MM:::::MM:::::::::::::::::::::M
______88_____M::::::::MMMM:::::::::::MMMM:::::::::MM:::::::::::::::MM
_______88____MM::::::::::MMMMMMMMMM::::::::::::::MMM::::::::MMM
________88____MM::::::::::MMMMMMMM::::::::::::::::::::MMMMMMM
_________88___8MM::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMMMMM
__________8___88MM::::::::::::::::::::::M:::M::::::::::::::::MM
______________888MM::::::::::::::::::MM::::::MM::::::::::::MM
_____________88888MM:::::::::::::::MMM:::::::mM::::::::MM
_____________888888MM:::::::::::::MMM:::::::::MMM:::::M
____________88888888MM:::::::::::MMM:::::::::::MM:::::M
___________88_8888888M:::::::::MMM::::::::::::::M::::::M
___________8__888888_M:::::::MM:::::::::::::::::M:::::::M:
______________888888_M::::::M:::::::::::::::::::M::::::::MM
_____________888888__M:::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M:M
_____________888888__M:::::M:::::::::@:::::::::::::::::::M::M
_____________88888___M::::::::::::::@@::::::::::::::::::::M::M
_____________88888___M::::::::::::::@@@:::::::::::::::::::M::M
___________88888___M:::::::::::::::@@::::::::::::::::::::::::M::M
__________88888___M:::::m::::::::::@::::::::::Mm:::::::::::M:::M
__________8888___M:::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MM:::::::::::::M:::M
_________8888___M:::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MMM::::::::::::::M:::M
_________888___M:::::Mm::::::::::::::::::::::MMM::::::::::::::M::::M
______8888____MM::::Mm:::::::::::::::::::::MMMM:::::::::::m::m:::M
_____888______M:::::M::::::::::::::::::::MMM::::::::::::::::M::mm:::M
__8888_______MM:::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::::::::::::::::::mM::MM:::M:
_____________M:::::::::::::::::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::mM::MM:::Mm
____________MM::::::m::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM:::MM
____________M::::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::M:::MM
___________MM:::::::::M:::::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M:M:::MM
___________M:::::::::::M88:::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::MMM
___________M::::::::::::8888888888M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::MM
___________M:::::::::::::88888888M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM

Oh wait.

Wait a second.

I get it.

The whole thing is mostly M and 8.

M-8.

"MATE."

Very clever, porn peddlers, but how bout some pictures? Let's leave the random ha-has and the subliminal messages to the fast food industry, okay? I want my unwanted spam mail to give me actual pictures of exploding holes or I assure you, I will delete you and spend my time reading and rereading desperate missives from Nigeria and Tanzania. Those people need my bank account numbers and they need them right now.