Law & Order: Pun & Gun

My friend Brett was on Law & Order: Criminal Intent last night. He was awesome and got to say a line where he likened an obscure novel about vampires to the Holy Grail by saying, "It's like the Holy Grail!"

Now, I don't watch any of the myriad of cop shows on NBC that share the "ka-chong" convention for transitioning between scenes, but after watching last night's episode, I am of the opinion that there may be too many of them. This plot was not only lamer than a lamey in lametown, but it was very similar to a CSI episode I watched during my "I gotta find out what all the hullabaloo is about this CSI show" phase. (What a weekend that was.)

But my main gripe with these shows, and this happens in both CSI and L&O - is that the cops on these shows are deductive geniuses. They make wild, ridiculous assumptions and they are always right. From a semen stain on a bedsheet, they'll deduct that because the semen stain was on a flower print, the killer clearly hid the victim's body in the botanical gardens. And BINGO! There's the body in the botanical gardens.

Or they'll be a picture of Harriet Tubman on a desk with a burned candle in front of it and the cop will say, "Harriet Tubman was known for being afraid of fire. Our killer's afraid of something too." Cut to the killer confessing, "I was afraid of not stabbing people, so I stabbed people!"

Or the worst - one of the cops will find a napkin with some cheese on it and quip, "Say cheese!" Then the cop he's with will grimace and make a short speech about staying focused and not making bad jokes, then just as the cheese cop is about to toss the napkin, the grimacing cop will say, "Keep it, it may be important."

"Cheese on a napkin!?" the cheese cop will say incredulously.

"Bag it."

Then, of course, the autopsy reveals the victim hated cheese, had a lawsuit pending against a cheese company and would never have it on a napkin in their apartment. Therefore the napkin was the killer's and the CEO of Cheese Corp. must have ordered the hit. The CEO confesses (the killer always confesses - keep your mouths shut killers!), and the grimacing cop's grimace rises into a smug, self-satisfying grin.

"I guess the cheese stands alone."

Roll Credits.