A Real Charity Case

As the Artistic Director of the UCB Theatre, I get a lot of phone calls and e-mails from people asking me to book their shows. Many of these people are fine comedians looking for a place to play. But every now and then, I get lucky, and a really insane person will call.

Mrs. V was one of those people ("Mrs. V" does not actually use "Mrs." in her stage name - she uses a more regal prefix - I just don't want her googling herself and finding this blog).

I also won't go into a lot of detail as to just how bat-shit crazy this woman is, but the "V" stands for "Vulva" and...this is her HEADSHOT:

The pinnacle of our pre-show dealings came when she called to tell me that CBS News wanted to tape her show and she wanted us to raise the $5 ticket price to $10 and give the extra $5 "to retarded children and their families."

Her words. Which she also printed on her show's posters, "Help us raise money for retarded children and their families."

So, what is this show? Why, it's a ribald, sexually-themed stand-up act in which Mrs. V reads the audience's sexual fortunes. Of course.

Needless to say, CBS News was not at her show. And no one else was either. Six people showed up. Six. Mrs. V raised a whopping thirty bucks.

One retarded kid somewhere is gonna get to go to Applebees.

But that didn't stop Mrs. V. She stuck to her principles and informed Mo in the booth that she would not perform unless the audience chanted her name. And she insisted on performing with a wireless microphone (the kind they used in RENT).

Of course, the UCB Theatre is in the basement of a grocery store, so...the wireless mic didn't work too well. Through the whole show, the mic only worked intermittently and she would hop around to find a place where she could get it to work with no feedback...while six of us watched her. Six.

Keep in mind, I decided immediately not to introduce myself, so Mrs. V had no idea I was the same guy she had been harrassing on the phone for weeks (and who she promised CBS News would be there filming the show). So when Gethard, Ben, Adam and I joyfully chanted "Mrs. V!" over and over again at the top of the show, she could only assume we were totally into it - and not the ironically detatched jackasses we really are.

After a minute or so of chanting, Mrs. V hit the stage and set the tone for the whole show with her first incredibly witty line: "I love it when you say my name when I'm coming...on stage."

And that was pretty much the show: a lady in a turban using a bad russian accent to make sex puns. Some highlights:

-Taking Adam's hand, she told him - "You're palm lines can tell me if you are introverted or extroverted...basically which kind of verted you are. You are (wait for it!) PERVERTED!"

-She mentally went through my wallet and found a condom in it! (She did this by putting both her hands on her turban and pretending to see my wallet in her mind). Then she discovered the condom was (wait for it!) expired!

If she had had a guy doing rimshots, it would have been perfect.

The hands-down best moment in the show came when she got two people to come on stage together. "I like to use a couple for this," she said. Then she had them recite tongue twisters and prescribed tongue excercises for the both of them. The excercise? They should french-kiss four times a day.

The couple started laughing uncontrollably. Were they embarrassed? Nope. They were - WAIT FOR IT! - brother and sister.

Not a planned bit.

Mrs. V froze. She looked at the ground. Finally she said, "This is fun."

So much fun!

In fact, this may be the most fun I have ever had in a theater. I laughed until I was literally in pain. And seeing something this devoid of irony or self-awareness or anything even closely resembling quality play out so pathetically - it was joyous.

That sounds like a mean thing to say - and maybe it is - but it was exactly like watching a Christopher Guest film, only it was real. Which would have almost made it amazing...if it wasn't so retarded.

Posted by Anthony King at July 27, 2005 05:25 PM