Raping My Wit

Who writes hate mail to a magazine like Entertainment Weekly?

I'd wager a guess that it's not the same caliber of people responding to an article about Ugandan genocide in the New Yorker.

But, impassioned as they are, they do write some clever stuff.

Here are a few of my favorites:

"If, as you say, moviegoers are a family, then people like you are the second cousin no one invites, but somehow finds his way to the reunion anyway only to continually crack ridiculous jokes that everyone gets but no one laughs at...If I wanted to listen to truly funny comments while watching a movie, then I would watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and you, sir, are no Michael J. Nelson."
- Z.B., Elm Mott, TX

That last line is brilliantly harsh. He's could have said I was "no Joel Hodgson." But no, I don't even warrant comparison to the original, superior host of MST3K.

I guess I can take it as a small compliment that he didn't say, "You're no Professor Bobo."

"Mr. King is exactly what is wrong with the "me, me, me" attitude in todays culture. "Mr. King, I'm curious: What makes you think anyone gives a damn about your idiotic and distracting comments? None of us paid to listen to you. Keep your mouth shut or stay at home." -D.L., Brockton, MA

I admit, when I started writing this article, I wasn't trying to encapsulate the problem inherent in our culture today - but hey, I guess I did. Maybe I really am a genius.

"Hey, Tony...'genius' is a title granted by someone other than the subject. Anyone who calls himself a genius most likely isn't." -K.S., Arlington, VA

Touche. And I prefer to be called Anthony.

"You do realize that one does not have to be a "genius" or possess a "rapier wit" to come up with zingers like, "You so stupid," right?" -A.D.K., Mount Vernon, WA

See - this is where the logic behind all this hate mail starts to break down for me.

For these people to not understand that the article was a joke, they must believe that Anthony King, the same person who wrote the line "...moreover, a rapier wit does no good languishing in its sheath" also yells out in movie theatres "Uh-oh! Here comes boobies!"

Makes me feel like the authors of these letters aren't too intelligent.

Well - one person begs to differ. He not only makes sure we know he is intelligent, he reproves me point-by-point.

To: Letters - EW
Subject: Movie Talker

Dear EW Editors,

This letter is in regards to the short article submitted by the "Movie Talker". It is a big pet peeve of mine when people find it necessary to provide a running commentary on the movie I am watching. I am a fairly intelligent person and can pretty much follow what's going on on the screen. If I want a commentary, I will provide my own in the comfort of my own living room. To the individual who provided the article in the latest issue of EW: Personally, and I think I speak for a majority of the movie going public when I write this, I go to the movies to see the movie, not be a part of a 'community'. I don't consider myself a part of your family any more than I consider you a part of mine. In light of that fact, a) I could care less what you think about the film, and b) you are not that hilarious. Nowhere in your ranting did I even crack a smile at your jokes. If you want people to know what you think about the film write an article and submit it to EW (you can do the same with your jokes).

Your comment about telling the character on the screen that he/she is stupid for going into a dark warehouse is also unnecessary and unwanted. Anyone with half a brain seeing this occur on screen is fully aware that this person should not be going into the dark warehouse. It's common sense. No one wants to know or cares what you would do in the same situation. We are there to see a movie, not to hear about your personal choices in life.

Parents should not be taking their children to a movie like Shakespeare in Love, but that it not the subject of this letter. If you want to warn a parent about a particular part/scene in a movie, tell them before the movie starts. Or, better yet, sit next to them and whisper when the said scene comes up. Your yelling out in the theater helps no one and proves not that you are genius, but another inconsiderate individual desperate for attention (if you were truly a genius you wouldn't need to resort to acting childlike and yelling during the movie. You would figure out an INGENIOUS way to let people know without disturbing them).

Finally, the suggestions people have made in the past about keeping your comments to yourself is good advice. Despite your belief, keeping your comments to yourself would not be selfish (speaking your mind during the movie, however, is VERY selfish). In fact it would be a great public service if you kept your mouth shut. Your "rapier wit," as it were, is better kept sheathed for the 90 to 120 minutes you are watching the movie. No one wants to see you brandishing it in the theater. No one cares to hear it from you (notice a pattern developing here?). If you're so desperate for attention, sharpen your wit and go on tour as a comedian. You could even make comments about movies if you wanted to!

I realize that this letter will probably do nothing to change your mind, but understand that it's people like you who ruin the movie experience for so many of us; and before you go spouting off that it's your right to speak if you want to, just realize that there are other people around you who have the right to an uninterrupted movie experience. Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
A.R.
Beaufort, SC

P.S. By the way, simply because someone doesn't want to hear your comments doesn't make them "So Stupid". In fact, you are the one who is "So Stupid" if you actually think that what you have to say is important enough for people to hear and/or care about (especially during the movie).

Classic.

I especially like this line:

"In fact, you are the one who is "So Stupid" if you actually think that what you have to say is important enough for people to hear and/or care about."

That's a pretty gutsy P.S. from a guy who just sent a 656-word e-mail to the letters page of an entertainment magazine.