A LOST Cause

My good friend and GUTENBERG! co-author, Scott Brown, writes a weekly commentary on LOST for the EW website (I say weekly, but since LOST only has new episodes like once a month, it's less often than that).

This week Scott wrote about how Bernard and Rose's storyline made him cry. And he asserted that "Unless I'm much mistaken (or just a big sissy), there wasn't a dry eye in the viewership when Bernard said, 'You're never leaving this island, Rose. And if you're not leaving, I'm not leaving.' My friend Liz totally cried. Me? Well, I'm more of a rootin' tootin' rope shootin' kinda man. Who totally cried."

Well my friend, you are both mistaken and a big sissy. This cowboy was too busy heaving his turkey reuben at the TV in anger to cry.

There is nothing touching about a man who's been trapped on an island for two months and has bigger man-tits now than he does in his flashbacks. If I was dating a woman for 5 months, and we were serious enough for me to take her to a restaurant with windows looking out at a huge video of Niagara Falls, she better mention at some point during those months that she's dying. And not just dying - totally cool with dying. Seriously, don't ask a stranger to coffee if you're gonna simultaneously give in to your ambiguous cancer.

And while I'm ripping your assertions apart, Mr. Brown - I do not believe you could shoot a rope with a gun if that rope were coated in sticky bullet traps, which do not exist, but if you're going to pretend to be able to handle firearms then it is less of a stetch for me to pretend there exist sticky traps akin to rat traps that attract bullets post-gun barrel- evacuation.

That's right, Scott Brown. Since I can do nothing to sate my anger with the retarded writers of LOST, I shall take my anger out on you. Let the war begin! (See how easy it is to start a war? Pay attention Damon Lindeloff, you boring tease.)