The Blaine Game

Despite his failure to break the record last night for holding his breath underwater after spending seven days submerged in a tank of salt water, and despite the promotions for his ABC special that promised David Blaine would break the record "or die trying," a very-much alive David Blaine signed a contract today for three future ABC specials featuring his unique brand of spirited endurance, mesmerizing self-importance, and complete irrelevance.**

The agreed upon specials include:

"David Blaine's Trail of Tears"
In a feat of amazing resilience and strength, magician David Blaine will step into a bear trap and then hop across America wearing a sack on his head. Upon arriving in New York, David Blaine will make love to a Native American woman on national television against her will.

"David Blaine - At What Holocaust?"
In honor of his great grandfather, David Blaine will trick himself into thinking he is just taking a shower only to gas himself. He will then attempt to do what millions of Jews could not - Escape! Once he escapes, he will make a bus disappear.

"David Blaine - The Rapture!"
In this, the greatest stunt ever attempted, David Blaine will rise into the air to meet our returning Savior, Jesus Christ, in the sky. The moon will turn red, graves shall be emptied, and the anti-Christ will rise to rule the earth for 1000 years. Also, David will show us some of his most amazing street magic.

**David Blaine will not be required to actually do anything he promises.