O,OOOklahoma

I'm sure this link will change as soon as someone makes an editing sweep. But as of 9:55pm on Monday, this is the headline:

Broadway Flea Market Raises Over 0,000 for Broadway Cares

I guess theater really is dead.

The Body Electric

I got an e-mail today. It's title?

Out of control female gushers antny!

Ah-ha, thought I, yet another spam email filled with pornographic material. Yet when I clicked on it, after the requisite few lines (no pictures!) detailing a DVD available for purchase which features "exploding holes" there was this text:

Joke Of The Day
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

(Oh yeah - here it comes. A few typos/misspellings, but "Why are you eating grass?" is an awesome set-up.)

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

(Okay, I'm not into the whole incest-orgy thing, and the typos are getting a little annoying, but still funny situation, lots of porn possibility. Take me for a ride.)

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

(Boring. Plot. Yawn.)

The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

WHAT!? That's it? That's the joke? That's not a porn joke. That's not an out of control female gushers joke! Except for the occasional typo turning the word "lawyer" into "layer" there's not a single reason why this joke should ever be in an e-mail advertising porn.

It's not a solitary incident either. In another e-mail I got today, entitled, "Whoa antny look at these videoclips," there was no porn at all. The whole e-mail was just a bunch of random letters and symbols.

Take a look:

_____8888M:::::888MM:::::::::::8::::::::::::::M:::::8888::::::M::::M
____88888M:::::88:M::::::::::::::8::::::::::::::M::::8888::::::::M::M
___88_888MM::888:M::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::8888::::::::::::M:
___8 88888M:::88::M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::88:::::::::::::::M
_____88888M:::88::M::::::::::::::*88*:::::::::::::M::88:::::::::::::::::M
____888888M:::88::M::::::::::::88@@88:::::::::::M::::88:::::::::::::::::M
____888888MM::88:MM::::::::::88@@88:::::::::::M:::::8::::::::::::::::::*8
____88888__M:::8::MM::::::::::::*88*:::::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::88@@
____8888___MM::::::MM:::::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::::::::::::::::::::::::88@@
_____888____M:::::::MM:::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::M::::::::::::::::::::::::*8
_____888____MM:::::::MMM:::::::::::::::::::MM:::::MM:::::::::::::::::::::M
______88_____M::::::::MMMM:::::::::::MMMM:::::::::MM:::::::::::::::MM
_______88____MM::::::::::MMMMMMMMMM::::::::::::::MMM::::::::MMM
________88____MM::::::::::MMMMMMMM::::::::::::::::::::MMMMMMM
_________88___8MM::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMMMMM
__________8___88MM::::::::::::::::::::::M:::M::::::::::::::::MM
______________888MM::::::::::::::::::MM::::::MM::::::::::::MM
_____________88888MM:::::::::::::::MMM:::::::mM::::::::MM
_____________888888MM:::::::::::::MMM:::::::::MMM:::::M
____________88888888MM:::::::::::MMM:::::::::::MM:::::M
___________88_8888888M:::::::::MMM::::::::::::::M::::::M
___________8__888888_M:::::::MM:::::::::::::::::M:::::::M:
______________888888_M::::::M:::::::::::::::::::M::::::::MM
_____________888888__M:::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M:M
_____________888888__M:::::M:::::::::@:::::::::::::::::::M::M
_____________88888___M::::::::::::::@@::::::::::::::::::::M::M
_____________88888___M::::::::::::::@@@:::::::::::::::::::M::M
___________88888___M:::::::::::::::@@::::::::::::::::::::::::M::M
__________88888___M:::::m::::::::::@::::::::::Mm:::::::::::M:::M
__________8888___M:::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MM:::::::::::::M:::M
_________8888___M:::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MMM::::::::::::::M:::M
_________888___M:::::Mm::::::::::::::::::::::MMM::::::::::::::M::::M
______8888____MM::::Mm:::::::::::::::::::::MMMM:::::::::::m::m:::M
_____888______M:::::M::::::::::::::::::::MMM::::::::::::::::M::mm:::M
__8888_______MM:::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::::::::::::::::::mM::MM:::M:
_____________M:::::::::::::::::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::mM::MM:::Mm
____________MM::::::m::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM:::MM
____________M::::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::M:::MM
___________MM:::::::::M:::::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M:M:::MM
___________M:::::::::::M88:::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::MMM
___________M::::::::::::8888888888M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::MM
___________M:::::::::::::88888888M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM

Oh wait.

Wait a second.

I get it.

The whole thing is mostly M and 8.

M-8.

"MATE."

Very clever, porn peddlers, but how bout some pictures? Let's leave the random ha-has and the subliminal messages to the fast food industry, okay? I want my unwanted spam mail to give me actual pictures of exploding holes or I assure you, I will delete you and spend my time reading and rereading desperate missives from Nigeria and Tanzania. Those people need my bank account numbers and they need them right now.

Gross National Product

Heh heh heh - I just got my pin in the mail. Man, I am hilarious. Bush is good. Kerry is bad. And Hillary is so ugly! I'm gonna throw up, she's so ugly. Read my button! Hillary is ugly!

I bet you want a button like this too. Well I got mine off the awesome website RepublicanMarket.com. They have a bunch of really hilarious stuff about how President Bush is really awesome and everyone else sucks.

And they got some elegant stuff too. Check this out:

Look like a million bucks for only ten! Half-inch band full of
red, white and blue crystals in the shape of the U.S. Flag. The
ring stretches to fit any finger!

Look like a million bucks for only ten!? Thank you, I will! That's a kick-ass deal and it makes good economic sense (like our President!). Plus the ring is stretchable! Who ever heard of that? Leave it to Republicans to make an awesome piece of jewelry for everyone. Even fatties!

But for sure the most awesome thing they have on this should-be award-winning website is this little baby:

Grow your own bush and name him George W. with this
packet of Red Osier Dogwood seeds...makes a great gift.
Please note not returnable after opened, as with all plants
they need tender loving care and WATER.

Oh man! Imagine opening your curtains every day and looking out at your yard where you have a little bush named BUSH! That's awesome. And there's no way any terrorists are gonna come on your property when George W. Bush Bush is standing guard! Mission Accomplished!

You can tell this site also cares about its customers from the little reminder they put here. I can't tell you how many plants I've lost because I loved them so much but forgot to give them WATER! You got a WATER a Commander-In-Leaf!

That was a pun. This website is full of them. Puns and bargains! Like a four-dollar tie! Or playing-cards where all the normal cards are pictures of awesome Republicans but the jokers are pictures of lefty liberals like John Kerry and Ted Kennedy. Those guys really are jokers!

But there are some serious items on this site too, and that's why I really respect it.

Never have truer words been printed on high-quality vinyl.

Rest in peace, cowboy president. Rest in peace.

Gravel Driveway

I go through these phases where I get certain words or phrases stuck in my head and I find myself wanting to say those words or phrases pretty much all the time. Like if I'm sitting alone somewhere or, say, at a computer, my brain just keeps repeating over and over again, "Gravel Driveway. Gravel Driveway. Gravel Driveway." or whatever that day/week/month's random word or phrase happens to be.

Right now, clearly, I am obsessed with the words "gravel driveway." I wish I knew why. I think it's my personal form of tourettes. Tomorrow it could very well be something completely different (I actually kind of feel "fallow fields" coming on), but today, give me a blank piece of paper and a pen and I will bet you money that I will end up doodling the words "gravel driveway" on it. And it's been like this for about a week now.

Other words and phrases that have shared this place of honor in my brain at some point include:

"selling my wares"
"bully pulpit"
"shovelin'"
"diaper meat"
"hand-me-downs"
"babycakes"
"soup time"
"loopity-loophole"
"donkey hat"
"sad baby johnson with his sad baby babyface"
"stickler"
"crannies"
and
"nigga police"

I'm pretty sure that "nigga police" is some kind of warped version of "nigga please" that my brain chewed up and spat back out retarded, but I have no idea where any of the others came from. And this is in no way an exhaustive list - it's just the ones I could think of right now off the top of my head.

Anyway, writing this has calmed my impulses to write "gravel driveway" a hundred times. So I will hereby think of this entry as self-medication.

Nest of bacon.