Law & Order: Pun & Gun

My friend Brett was on Law & Order: Criminal Intent last night. He was awesome and got to say a line where he likened an obscure novel about vampires to the Holy Grail by saying, "It's like the Holy Grail!"

Now, I don't watch any of the myriad of cop shows on NBC that share the "ka-chong" convention for transitioning between scenes, but after watching last night's episode, I am of the opinion that there may be too many of them. This plot was not only lamer than a lamey in lametown, but it was very similar to a CSI episode I watched during my "I gotta find out what all the hullabaloo is about this CSI show" phase. (What a weekend that was.)

But my main gripe with these shows, and this happens in both CSI and L&O - is that the cops on these shows are deductive geniuses. They make wild, ridiculous assumptions and they are always right. From a semen stain on a bedsheet, they'll deduct that because the semen stain was on a flower print, the killer clearly hid the victim's body in the botanical gardens. And BINGO! There's the body in the botanical gardens.

Or they'll be a picture of Harriet Tubman on a desk with a burned candle in front of it and the cop will say, "Harriet Tubman was known for being afraid of fire. Our killer's afraid of something too." Cut to the killer confessing, "I was afraid of not stabbing people, so I stabbed people!"

Or the worst - one of the cops will find a napkin with some cheese on it and quip, "Say cheese!" Then the cop he's with will grimace and make a short speech about staying focused and not making bad jokes, then just as the cheese cop is about to toss the napkin, the grimacing cop will say, "Keep it, it may be important."

"Cheese on a napkin!?" the cheese cop will say incredulously.

"Bag it."

Then, of course, the autopsy reveals the victim hated cheese, had a lawsuit pending against a cheese company and would never have it on a napkin in their apartment. Therefore the napkin was the killer's and the CEO of Cheese Corp. must have ordered the hit. The CEO confesses (the killer always confesses - keep your mouths shut killers!), and the grimacing cop's grimace rises into a smug, self-satisfying grin.

"I guess the cheese stands alone."

Roll Credits.

I'm Kings of the World!

Ross's accusation got me thinking...about myself, or at least people named like myself. So I did a little research and it seems there may be no field I, Anthony King, can go into that some other Anthony King hasn't already entered.

Sports? Anthony King is already playing hoops for the University of Miami. And he's a damn good rebounder.

Music? Anthony King is already a successful drummer who's played for a bunch of big names and "uses the Finest Hand Craft drums...with the Anthony King STELTH signature snares." He has signature snares!

Ok, so what about, oh, I don't know...Politics? Anthony King's done that too. He was elected the city sexton of Corpus Christi, TX, in May of 1890.

Construction? There's an Anthony King Builders.

And that's not all. Anthony King is also a webmaster, CTO , college professor, lieutenant, journalist, and even the namesake of a scholarship at the University of Ottawa.

But it's not just occupations. Anthony King is also concerned with social activism. And you know what? Anthony King has a point - you should be able to ride your bike through the drive-thru. Unless, of course, the person working the drive-thru is actually a robot.

But luckily this Anthony King, the one writing this right now, is not interested in being a webmaster or basketball player or any of these other things. And I don't even own a bike. I'm doing comedy! And I can prove it here. Surely there can't be another Anthony King doing comedy.

Well...check out this guy:

"King of the one-liners" Anthony King's devilishly droll deadpan humour, masterful timing and delivery combine to make him one of the most polished performers on the circuit today.

And The Scotsman says, "Outstanding is Anthony King, an elegantly mournful figure whose timing and delivery of a stream of one-liners and non-sequiteurs are masterly."

So I'm screwed on that too...at least in England. But here's the real kicker - none of these Anthony Kings are the Anthony King who owns the rights to www.anthonyking.com. That Anthony King lives in Hawaii and hasn't even bothered to actually put a site up - he's just hording the rights.

Of course, I'm not letting all of this get me down. Plans are already underway for the WE THREE ANTHONY KINGS Tour. Forty-five dollars gets you a ticket to see Anthony King in a high-flying slam-dunk exhibition. Then Anthony King rocks out on the drums while you dance and clap. And finally Anthony King makes you laugh with his apparently ridiculously hilarious deadpan one-liners.

I, Anthony King, will be, uh...I'll be taking tickets at the door.

Charlotte Ins

I just had drinks in the lobby bar of the Millennium Hotel just off the world-famous Times Square. It was a "business meeting" in that three of us "met" each other and told each other our "business."

The bar (named "Charlotte") is predictable - lots of wood paneling, big leather seats, twenty kinds of scotch on the menu. It's the kind of place out-of-town business men go to talk loudly on their cellphones and charge things to their expense accounts (burger = $17).

The three of us, being the only people in the bar sans ties, sat under the television and talked loudly of movies, books, and theater:

"The Life Aquatic was an emotionless debacle!"

"Have you read Michelangelo's Notebook? It's as if someone put The DaVinci Code on playing cards, shuffled them, and dealt them out in random order!"

"I can't wait to see Spamalot!"

We were very opinionated. And very important.

"We should make this a regular thing," one of us said as we were leaving, "When you talk about this stuff in a dive bar it's just hipstery and pretentious, but when you talk about it here, it feels like we're actually doing something."

Red State Proficiency Exam

Instructions: The following is a general proficiency exam designed to test your knowledge of everything you need to know to make it in the real world. Please complete each answer to the best of your God-given ability. When you have completed your test, turn in your paper and pray silently until everyone is finished.

1) LITERATURE
In Hamlet, Shakespeare deals with the theme of "inaction" as a fatal flaw. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

2) SCIENCE
Evolution is a myth and a fallacy created by atheists who hate your Lord. Why do you agree?

3) GENERAL MATHEMATICS
Jesus leaves Jerusalem for Bethlehem on a donkey at 3:15pm traveling 2mph. Peter leaves the Sea of Galilee for Bethlehem on a mule at 3:20pm traveling 5mph. Who will turn water into wine?

4) LOGIC
JESUS : GOOD :: LIBERAL : __________________

5) PHILOSOPHY
Compare and contrast the writings of Karl Marx with those in the Bible, the inspired and indisputable Word of God.

6) POLITICAL SCIENCE
Give three reasons why God has turned his back on our sinful nation. Do we deserve His loving grace?

7) GEOMETRY
How many right angles are there on the Old Rugged Cross where Christ died for your sins?

8) VOCABULARY
Give 15 names for Jesus other than "Emmanuel." Cite chapter and verse.

9) HISTORY
Most historians do not include the Resurrection of Jesus Christ in the tomes of historical fact. Will they go to hell?

10) HEALTH
Write a short paragraph explaining why premarital sex is wrong and of no interest to you.

Either Way

Reality programming is taking another leap towards the coliseum this month with the controversial airing of FOX's Who's Your Daddy?

Fox's website describes it thusly:
WHO'S YOUR DADDY? provides a woman, who was given up for adoption as an infant, with an extraordinary opportunity to meet the birth father who also has been searching for her. But wait, there's a twist. Before meeting her dad, the young woman will be presented with eight men, all claiming to be her father, and she must determine which one really is. And to keep her real dad from revealing himself from the start, there is $100,000 at stake for his daughter. She will have opportunities to interview and observe the men, narrowing the field. If she guesses right, the prize will be hers. If she guesses wrong, the imposter will win the money. Either way, daughter and father will be reunited on the dramatic and emotional special WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Yes, and what a reunion it will be. One way a father and daugher enthusiastically reunite, feel really good about themselves, and win a lot of money. The other way the two people feel like crap, stay poor, and have to awkwardly deal with that whole, "No, I just thought that other guy might be my Dad, I didn't like him better or anything. I was really hoping it would be you" thing.

Either way, it's good TV!

Here's another good idea - PREGNANT PAUSE
Six pregnant women live in a house together awaiting the glorious day they'll each become mothers. But wait, there's a twist. The mother who keeps her baby inside her the longest and gives birth last gets to keep her baby. The other mothers win a million dollars and their babies get auctioned on Ebay. Either way, there's plenty of babies and money for everybody!

Okay, I got one more. It's called OH NO! JEW! DON'T!
An actual nazi is about to kill a Jew for no good reason unless YOU guess which potential victim is actually Jewish and save him. But wait, there's a twist. Save the Jew and you both win $100,000, but the nazi kills the Jew anyway and also kills you for trying to help a Semite. Either way, a Jew is dead!

It feels good to start 2005 with a couple of billion-dollar ideas.