May The Farce Be With You

Last Wednesday night, I ended up at the midnight screening of the new Star Wars movie at the Ziegfeld. This was the theater and the showing attended by the hardcore fans who had been in line for weeks. At least 40% of the audience was in costume.

Some were clearly homemade, like the C-3PO with cardboard boxes on his arms, legs, and torso. And some were strangely inspiring - like the woman in an electric wheelchair wearing full jedi robes.

And some were girls like this one:

BUTTERFACE?

Yes, apparently some Star Wars nerds are hot girls. But I think it's pretty safe to say that pretty much the entire Ziegfeld audience was comprised almost entirely of nerds and nerd girls the nerds would like to sleep with.

So who did the powers-that-be at the Ziegfeld get to emcee this premiere event?

Drag Queen Hedda Lettuce!

The Self-Described "Queen of NY Comedy!"

Yes, Hedda Lettuce. Cause there's nothing a theater full of horny, straight nerds loves more than a drag queen...who knows absolutely nothing about the Star Wars movies.

Hedda didn't even try to cater her material to her audience. She made lots of puns, tossed the word "fag" around a few times, and accused many people of being secretly gay (typical drag queen stuff). It was mostly a harmless trainwreck that got little attention from the geeks focused on waving their light sabers in the air and getting one last pic with the guy walking up and down the aisle dressed like Vader.

But just before the movie started, Hedda got serious. She spoke from the heart: "Gay, straight, bi, lesbian - we're all here to watch this film. Star Wars has brought us together. Let's keep it that way!!"

Oh Hedda, thank you. Your heartfelt sentiment is both misplaced and meaningless.

Like most of the dialogue in the film.

ZING!

Trouble in Paradise

The UCBT office is right across from a specialty grocery store called "Garden of Eden." You can find out very little about them at their horribly spare website.

I tend to buy coffee at Garden of Eden, and the occasional 1/2 rotisserie chicken with two sides for $5.99. And sometimes I will buy an apple.

But for the last few weeks, there's been a line of protestors outside the store demanding, I think, that Garden of Eden go union.

"Garden of Eden," they say, "mistreats their workers!"

The store has countered by putting signs in the windows that say, "These people don't work for us. They never have."

What a battle.

I feel guilty for being a scab every day as I take the protestors' flyers and go past them into the store to purchase items from the poor souls working inside. Then I forget about them as I gulp down my delicious hazelnut house blend with skim milk (steamed for free!!).

After a few weeks of this, though, I have decided that I don't believe the workers of Garden of Eden are actually mistreated. They are all incredibly friendly and chatty and generally seemed excited to be there.

The guy behind the meat counter is a giant, flaming, black man in a hair net who all the middle-aged rich white ladies chat with like he's coloring their hair. And there's a cute, hispanic, effeminate man who flirts with me when I get coffee.

"Do you want a bag," he'll say.
"No, just a second cup," I reply.
"Oh, I'm sorry, we don't give second cups on {INSERT DAY HERE}."

He has said this joke to me on three different days. And I don't believe for a second that he doesn't remember me. HE REMEMBERS ME! His joke is code for, "I wouldn't mistreat you, you tall white hunk of strike breaker."

Also, I think he only knows one joke.

Semenbiscuit: A Swedish Legend

From The Week this week:

Horsing around: Swedes who have sex with horses should be more gentle, Sweden’s main animal-rights group said this week. Bestiality is legal in Sweden, as long as the animal is not harmed. But a report released this week that looked at more than 200 cases of human-animal sex — 161 involving horses, 18 with dogs, and 17 involving cattle — found that many of the animals had genital injuries. The government commissioned the report last year after veterinarians noted a rise in sexual abuse of animals. The Swedish Animal Welfare Agency said stricter laws were needed to protect animals from harm during sex with humans, although it stopped short of calling for a ban.

I am amazed by the massive number of Swedish people who, when choosing which animal with which to have sexual intercourse, choose horses. It's not even close! Dogs? 18. Fat-ass cattle? 17. Horses? ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-ONE! Or maybe it's just the abusive people who overhwelmingly choose to have sex with stallions.

Which leads me to another question...

How hard do you have to fuck a horse to genitally injure the horse? There's gotta be at least 161 Swedes somewhere who can barely walk.

Check Your Shit At The Door

If I'm ever responsible for helping stop a nuclear weapon from exploding on American soil and we've got some kind of personal crap going between us and you decide to get in my face about it, don't get mad at me if I say, "Hey, maybe we should talk about this tomorrow." Cause...that's what I'm gonna say.