Adver-nice-ments

The comments section of this site has been getting slammed with spam lately. Every day, 5-10 new comments appear from people hocking, well, mostly poker-related products. And they all have titles like:

(I'm not sure why www.theanthonyking.com is the place to go to find out the answer to that last question. But, in case that's why you're here, I totally recommend this site.)

The most interesting thing about this spam, though, is not the non-sequitor questioning, it's that it's all incredibly polite. Every comment begins with very cordial language like:

I wish all advertisements were like that. You're sitting at home, watching TV, the show goes to commercial and a man says:

"Hello there! What a beautiful home you have. I'm sorry to trouble you, but if you happen to have spills, these papertowels I'm holding may just be the perfect solution for cleaning them away."

"I appreciate your candor, spokesman, but I'm afraid I must say 'no thank you.' For you see, I already enjoy an alternative brand of papertowel."

"Understood, fine sir. And again, my apologies for bothering you on this fine Tuesday evening, but as you can see from this test, these papertowels are far stronger than your brand. Mightn't you reconsider?"

"Indeed. You've made your point vividly and succinctly, I applaud you for it, and promise to give your brand consideration during future shopping sojourns."

"Much obliged."

"And now, back to Two and a Half Men."

-Anthony King

Our God Is a Meaty God

Yesterday, I was smoking cocaine out of a baby's skull and playing Grand Theft Auto when I stumbled across a story about a deity I had never heard mentioned in all my time spent sitting in Protestant churches.

"Yea verily," thought I, "truly this is the Lord."

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

I know it seems silly, my sudden conversion. But as the Pastafarians say, "I have been touched by his noodly appendage."

I've spent the last 24 hours reading The Prophet, Bobby Henderson's, sacred letter. It holds the secret to a fulfilling life as well as very disturbing and irrefutable evidence that our society's wicked ways have brought us to the brink of disaster.

"Aaargh, we be doomed."

I fear for America.

I fear for our leaders.

I fear for that douchebag, Jesus.

THIS is the origin of man.

"Remember, we are all His creatures."

-Anthony King

Raping My Wit

Who writes hate mail to a magazine like Entertainment Weekly?

I'd wager a guess that it's not the same caliber of people responding to an article about Ugandan genocide in the New Yorker.

But, impassioned as they are, they do write some clever stuff.

Here are a few of my favorites:

"If, as you say, moviegoers are a family, then people like you are the second cousin no one invites, but somehow finds his way to the reunion anyway only to continually crack ridiculous jokes that everyone gets but no one laughs at...If I wanted to listen to truly funny comments while watching a movie, then I would watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and you, sir, are no Michael J. Nelson."
- Z.B., Elm Mott, TX

That last line is brilliantly harsh. He's could have said I was "no Joel Hodgson." But no, I don't even warrant comparison to the original, superior host of MST3K.

I guess I can take it as a small compliment that he didn't say, "You're no Professor Bobo."

"Mr. King is exactly what is wrong with the "me, me, me" attitude in todays culture. "Mr. King, I'm curious: What makes you think anyone gives a damn about your idiotic and distracting comments? None of us paid to listen to you. Keep your mouth shut or stay at home." -D.L., Brockton, MA

I admit, when I started writing this article, I wasn't trying to encapsulate the problem inherent in our culture today - but hey, I guess I did. Maybe I really am a genius.

"Hey, Tony...'genius' is a title granted by someone other than the subject. Anyone who calls himself a genius most likely isn't." -K.S., Arlington, VA

Touche. And I prefer to be called Anthony.

"You do realize that one does not have to be a "genius" or possess a "rapier wit" to come up with zingers like, "You so stupid," right?" -A.D.K., Mount Vernon, WA

See - this is where the logic behind all this hate mail starts to break down for me.

For these people to not understand that the article was a joke, they must believe that Anthony King, the same person who wrote the line "...moreover, a rapier wit does no good languishing in its sheath" also yells out in movie theatres "Uh-oh! Here comes boobies!"

Makes me feel like the authors of these letters aren't too intelligent.

Well - one person begs to differ. He not only makes sure we know he is intelligent, he reproves me point-by-point.

To: Letters - EW
Subject: Movie Talker

Dear EW Editors,

This letter is in regards to the short article submitted by the "Movie Talker". It is a big pet peeve of mine when people find it necessary to provide a running commentary on the movie I am watching. I am a fairly intelligent person and can pretty much follow what's going on on the screen. If I want a commentary, I will provide my own in the comfort of my own living room. To the individual who provided the article in the latest issue of EW: Personally, and I think I speak for a majority of the movie going public when I write this, I go to the movies to see the movie, not be a part of a 'community'. I don't consider myself a part of your family any more than I consider you a part of mine. In light of that fact, a) I could care less what you think about the film, and b) you are not that hilarious. Nowhere in your ranting did I even crack a smile at your jokes. If you want people to know what you think about the film write an article and submit it to EW (you can do the same with your jokes).

Your comment about telling the character on the screen that he/she is stupid for going into a dark warehouse is also unnecessary and unwanted. Anyone with half a brain seeing this occur on screen is fully aware that this person should not be going into the dark warehouse. It's common sense. No one wants to know or cares what you would do in the same situation. We are there to see a movie, not to hear about your personal choices in life.

Parents should not be taking their children to a movie like Shakespeare in Love, but that it not the subject of this letter. If you want to warn a parent about a particular part/scene in a movie, tell them before the movie starts. Or, better yet, sit next to them and whisper when the said scene comes up. Your yelling out in the theater helps no one and proves not that you are genius, but another inconsiderate individual desperate for attention (if you were truly a genius you wouldn't need to resort to acting childlike and yelling during the movie. You would figure out an INGENIOUS way to let people know without disturbing them).

Finally, the suggestions people have made in the past about keeping your comments to yourself is good advice. Despite your belief, keeping your comments to yourself would not be selfish (speaking your mind during the movie, however, is VERY selfish). In fact it would be a great public service if you kept your mouth shut. Your "rapier wit," as it were, is better kept sheathed for the 90 to 120 minutes you are watching the movie. No one wants to see you brandishing it in the theater. No one cares to hear it from you (notice a pattern developing here?). If you're so desperate for attention, sharpen your wit and go on tour as a comedian. You could even make comments about movies if you wanted to!

I realize that this letter will probably do nothing to change your mind, but understand that it's people like you who ruin the movie experience for so many of us; and before you go spouting off that it's your right to speak if you want to, just realize that there are other people around you who have the right to an uninterrupted movie experience. Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
A.R.
Beaufort, SC

P.S. By the way, simply because someone doesn't want to hear your comments doesn't make them "So Stupid". In fact, you are the one who is "So Stupid" if you actually think that what you have to say is important enough for people to hear and/or care about (especially during the movie).

Classic.

I especially like this line:

"In fact, you are the one who is "So Stupid" if you actually think that what you have to say is important enough for people to hear and/or care about."

That's a pretty gutsy P.S. from a guy who just sent a 656-word e-mail to the letters page of an entertainment magazine.

Talker Stalkers

The hate mail has started pouring in from my EW article. Hundreds of impassioned and humorless people who don't understand the term "tongue in cheek" wrote e-mails to the magazine to complain, lecture me about talking back to movies, and sometimes...threaten me bodily harm.

E-mails like this one:

To: Letters - EW
Subject: 'A Movie Talker Defends Himself'

Hi ew_letters person,

Do you know Anthony King, author of the article, 'A Movie Talker Defends Himself?' Because if you do, can you do a favor for me? Go over, and punch him in the neck as hard as you can manage, for the years of stupid movie commentary he has provided to unwilling audiences. If you are not a particularly powerful person, or otherwise handicapped in a manner that would prevent an effective and painful blow, please delegate this to the nearest hulking brute you can find. After punching the hapless Mr. King, please inform him that he should go $@%* with a cactus.

Regards,
G.R.
Utah

This dumb dude is angry!

He doesn't just want me punched - he wants me punched IN THE NECK!

I do like that despite his fierce, violent anger, he has enough control to address the concern that perhaps the person who EW employs to read their reader e-mails might in fact be weak or physically impaired.

But my favorite part is that after I am beaten, he does not want me to "go fuck a cactus," he wants me to "fuck with a cactus."

Which is something I could kind of see myself doing anyway.

MORE TOMORROW!

The Wall/Street Journal

POINT

COUNTERPOINT

The Jazz Zinger

I got a short article published in this week's Entertainment Weekly!

Check it out online here (you have to be a subscriber or enter the newsstand access code "hollywood").

In the print version it's in a little yellow box on p.48, right beside a cartoon of a guy with no pupils screaming into a megaphone.

Or for those of you too lazy to link or too cheap to pay the $3.50 at the newsstand - here's the text:

A MOVIE TALKER DEFENDS HIMSELF

Why do we go to the theater? To be part of a community! For those 90 to 120 minutes, my fellow moviegoers are an impromptu family, laughing and crying together. It's my responsibility to make sure that family knows (a) what I think of the film and (b) that I am hilarious. So I look for every opportunity to say very astute, opinionated, and funny things.

For instance, when I see a character about to do something irrational, like perhaps entering a dark, abandoned warehouse, I will often yell, ''You so stupid!'' I know the movie can't hear me. I'm saying this to let the audience know that I am keenly aware the character is making an unfortunate choice and if I were in a similar situation, I would not be so foolish. (For the record: I would not go in there.)

Sometimes, I yell things as a warning to parents. Remember the scene in Shakespeare in Love when Shakespeare sexily undresses Gwyneth Paltrow while she spins around? I assisted the audience with that scene by yelling ''Uh-oh! Here comes boobies!'' If my warning gave a concerned mother a few extra seconds to cover her child's eyes, you're welcome. And if, coincidentally, it also made everyone laugh, then that's why I'm a genius.

It's been suggested in the past that I speak more quietly or even keep my thoughts to myself. How selfish would that be? Movie talking is a public service; moreover, a rapier wit does no good languishing in its sheath. And if you don't like that, then there's really only one thing to say: You so stupid. - Anthony King

Stress Dreams Are Made of These

Lately I've been having a lot of stress dreams.

Not the "I'm late for a test" or "Why am I naked?" or "Something hairy is chasing me" kind of dreams. Nothing that...diagnosable.

I have dreams like, "there's a bunch of cucumbers and I have to keep them from rolling down this hill."

Last night, I dreamt I was trying to get a bunch of lug nuts into a pot of boiling water - while talking on the phone.

After that, I fell back asleep and dreamt I was trying to cram all my laundry in a hole.

I don't particularly like these dreams - I usually wake up and my legs are tired, like I just ran a few miles and somehow didn't sweat.

But I do like that almost every night, I get to do things in my dreams that I can almost guarantee I will never do in my real life.

I mean, I guess if I ever live on a hill, I could see myself trying to keep my cucumbers from rolling away. But I promise - if there ever comes a time that I need to to put a bunch of lug nuts in a pot of boiling water, I'm gonna tell the person I'm talking to on the phone that I'll call them back when I'm done.