Ready To Sigh

I was watching a special on VH1 last night called Beef: Rap's Biggest Battles, and despite all evidence to the contrary, I still cannot wrap my head around the idea that rappers are actually violent. When I look at most of the famous rappers out there, they just look so...cuddly.

"Let's take a nap together."

I'll admit, I don't know a lot about rap. Until recently my exposure to rap was limited to a few random Beastie Boys tracks, Eminem, and Young MC. And honestly, when I listen to Eminem I can't help thinking, "He's such a smart lyricist. He should write a Broadway show."

Still - it's hard to believe this guy wants to shoot people:

"Happy Birthday, Bitch!"

A LOST Cause

My good friend and GUTENBERG! co-author, Scott Brown, writes a weekly commentary on LOST for the EW website (I say weekly, but since LOST only has new episodes like once a month, it's less often than that).

This week Scott wrote about how Bernard and Rose's storyline made him cry. And he asserted that "Unless I'm much mistaken (or just a big sissy), there wasn't a dry eye in the viewership when Bernard said, 'You're never leaving this island, Rose. And if you're not leaving, I'm not leaving.' My friend Liz totally cried. Me? Well, I'm more of a rootin' tootin' rope shootin' kinda man. Who totally cried."

Well my friend, you are both mistaken and a big sissy. This cowboy was too busy heaving his turkey reuben at the TV in anger to cry.

There is nothing touching about a man who's been trapped on an island for two months and has bigger man-tits now than he does in his flashbacks. If I was dating a woman for 5 months, and we were serious enough for me to take her to a restaurant with windows looking out at a huge video of Niagara Falls, she better mention at some point during those months that she's dying. And not just dying - totally cool with dying. Seriously, don't ask a stranger to coffee if you're gonna simultaneously give in to your ambiguous cancer.

And while I'm ripping your assertions apart, Mr. Brown - I do not believe you could shoot a rope with a gun if that rope were coated in sticky bullet traps, which do not exist, but if you're going to pretend to be able to handle firearms then it is less of a stetch for me to pretend there exist sticky traps akin to rat traps that attract bullets post-gun barrel- evacuation.

That's right, Scott Brown. Since I can do nothing to sate my anger with the retarded writers of LOST, I shall take my anger out on you. Let the war begin! (See how easy it is to start a war? Pay attention Damon Lindeloff, you boring tease.)

Creation Vacation

Near the Cincinnati International Airport in Northern Kentucky, there is a 50,000 foot facility that exists for one sole purpose: "to proclaim to the world that the Bible is the supreme authority in all matters of faith and practice and in every area it touches on." That facility?

Okay, so the Creation Museum isn't really open yet, but when it does open, it won't be with a big bang, it'll be through the actions of an all-powerful Creator (namely Ken Ham, President of AiG).

In the mean time, we have artists' interpretations of the museum's exhibits and a helpful Internet walk-through.

It all starts in the lobby (all italics are exact quotes from the website):

Lobby
Watch out! Dinosaurs keep watch over the entryway. Are they alive?

"Are they ALIVE?!!" What a tease! Why not make it: "Dinosaurs keep watch over the entryway. Kill them before they kill you! Seriously! They have missiles! Also, we told them you said they were fat."

Now before you begin your journey into the real version of history, stop by the historical bookstore...

Bugs & Books
Giant bugs—marvels of God’s creation—buzz overhead in our themed gift shop and resource center!

...where you may be crushed by gigantic books with horrible titles. Or eaten alive by the delightful marvels of God's creation.

No matter - it's time to learn the truth!

SFX Theater
Hold onto your seat! Take a journey through time that you’ve never experienced before! Biblical history comes alive, as God’s Word—beginning in Genesis—explains the universe we see today.

If you're in a wheelchair, you should really hold on to your seat...and move it to the back of the theater...by yourself...where you belong.

Darwin?

Quick! Back out to the lobby!

Lobby
Imagine soaring cypress trees, the sounds of waterfalls and children playing with dinosaurs! What other surprises await?

Foot-powered cars? Rock bowling? Robot maids?

Oh no!

Temptation Abounds
The Tempter wins! Or so it seems. Brave the ‘Cave of Sorrows,’ where the saddest day in history explains every sorrow and heartache of our day.

Now I know why Grand Sichuan forgot to deliver my Hot & Sour Soup.
TEMPTER!!!!!

T. rex
T. rex—the real king of the beasts. That’s the terror that Adam’s sin unleashed! You’ll run into this monster lurking near Adam and Eve.

Whoa! So Adam and Eve ate the apple and it created a T Rex!? That's awesome! And what a smart way to trick kids into eating more fruit.

"Hey kid - wanna see a pterodactyl? Eat this banana."

The museum moves on from there to Noah and the flood, the Tower of Babel, and Jesus' death on the cross. It's all true...and interactive!

The Great Flood
Don’t panic! Inside the Ark you’re safe from the raging storm. But tread carefully along the shifting floor, under the flickering lanterns. It’s certainly not a pleasure cruise or child’s fairytale!

The Ark is definitely not a child's fairytale. This is:

Just for Kids
Everywhere you turn, science confirms the biblical account! As you explore, children can scurry off into the section ‘just for kids,’ where they interact with displays of exotic living animals and learn more about the Master Designer.

Whew! What a journey! Real history starts with giant bugs and ends with a baby dinosaur reading a book to kids.

So...when will you be able to go to the museum and experience all this truth and fun for yourself? Well - the website's FAQ says: "The museum is being built only as the funds come in--our goal is to have it debt-free when the doors open--so it is impossible to project an opening date."

Not exactly six days, but debt free makes sense. How much does something like this cost anyway?

25 Million Dollars