Bad Press

I spent 25 minutes on the phone last week with David Kesmodel, a writer for the Wall Street Journal. We chatted about how so many comedians are successfully using the Internet to market themselves and get seen by thousands of people. I cited Aziz Ansari's meteoric rise, Improv Everywhere , and stand-ups like Eugene Mirman .

I was overwhelmingly positive.

Well, the article came out on Thursday and only had one quote attributed to me...near the end of the artice...after much talk of both Aziz and Eugene with no mention of me or UCBT until:

Some Are Wary of Web Routines

While Web sites have become a key marketing tool, some in the industry caution that aspiring comedians are spending too much time honing their sites and not enough time honing their acts.

Anthony King, artistic director at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York, which features sketch-comedy shows, said most unsolicited Internet videos he receives from would-be performers are second-rate. "There are a lot of untalented comics on the Web who aren't going anywhere," he said.

Whoa! What a jerk I am! Here's a courageous journalist writing an article about up-and-coming comedians using a new tool to promote themselves and then along comes me, AD of NY's premier alternative comedy theatre, to say, "Well, yeah, but most of them suck." ZINGERS! What an elitist douchejag!

Well, lesson learned. I am no expert at talking to journalists yet, that is clear, but I learned an important lesson: When the reporter asks something negative like, "But aren't most of the people out there not very good?", it's a trap! That journalist is really saying, "Thank you for being so positive, but your positivity is boring. Can you please give me a juicy one-liner to provide counterpoint in my article that I might quote out of context?"

So I guess you win this round, David Kesmodel. Or as you might quote, "Thank you for being so positive!"

The Blaine Game

Despite his failure to break the record last night for holding his breath underwater after spending seven days submerged in a tank of salt water, and despite the promotions for his ABC special that promised David Blaine would break the record "or die trying," a very-much alive David Blaine signed a contract today for three future ABC specials featuring his unique brand of spirited endurance, mesmerizing self-importance, and complete irrelevance.**

The agreed upon specials include:

"David Blaine's Trail of Tears"
In a feat of amazing resilience and strength, magician David Blaine will step into a bear trap and then hop across America wearing a sack on his head. Upon arriving in New York, David Blaine will make love to a Native American woman on national television against her will.

"David Blaine - At What Holocaust?"
In honor of his great grandfather, David Blaine will trick himself into thinking he is just taking a shower only to gas himself. He will then attempt to do what millions of Jews could not - Escape! Once he escapes, he will make a bus disappear.

"David Blaine - The Rapture!"
In this, the greatest stunt ever attempted, David Blaine will rise into the air to meet our returning Savior, Jesus Christ, in the sky. The moon will turn red, graves shall be emptied, and the anti-Christ will rise to rule the earth for 1000 years. Also, David will show us some of his most amazing street magic.

**David Blaine will not be required to actually do anything he promises.

Trials & Tribulations

I sent a man to jail this week.

I got stuck on jury duty and ended up being selected to serve on a trial. Sure, I contemplated pretending to be an angry racist or mildly retarded to get out of it, but I couldn't quite bring myself to say "I think black people are cannibals" in any kind of convincing manner.

The charge in this trial was "Possession of a Fradulent Instrument in the Second Degree," and it was just as boring as it sounds. Basically, the defendant "bent" Metrocards. It's a badly kept secret that when a Metrocard runs out of money, you can bend it in a certain place on its magnetic strip to trick the turnstile computer into giving you one more free ride. Poor entrepreneurial types pick up discarded cards, bend them, and sell "swipes" to subway riders for a dollar.

This...is illegal. Well, posessing the "bent" cards is illegal. Illegal enough to warrant a 4-day trial with jury. And this defendant was caught with 14 of these cards. Which means your tax payer dollars were spent on a trial to convict a man conducting a scam that could have netted him a whopping 14 bucks.

Pretty sad. "But sympathy can not be a part of your deliberations," said our matronly judge over and over again. She also liked to make a joke about how we were not supposed to talk to the press "though I do not expect the press to be covering this trial...*chuckle*."

All of the people involved in this case were straight out of central casting:

--The matronly judge with 1960s hairstyle

--The driven but stiff, blonde Assistant D.A. in the too-tight skirt-and-jacket set

--The schlubby, hulking, and balding Jewish defense attorney in an array of non-tailored suits

--The hip, young, black cop strutting in with his badge on a chain around his neck

--The exhausted, middle-aged hispanic arresting officer who's been locked in the transit beat for way too long and probably isn't getting out

--The MTA Metrocard expert - eccentric mathematician/statistician - far too comfortable and clever on the stand - oh yeah, and his left hand was deformed

--The Booth Clerk - white hair, beer belly, not too smart, couldn't remember any of the events discussed in the trial - he worked the third shift the night before so he was half asleep and miserable

--And the defendant - a poor, misdirected black man who was eager to read his lawyer's papers through oversized drug store reading glasses and who would get visibly excited when the police officers would contradict themselves about trivial things on the stand.

They caught him with 14 "bent" metrocards in his hand and 3 dollars in his pocket. That's all. There was no doubt he was guilty. No one even tried to dispute the fact that he had the cards and that's all we were instructed to decide. So we sent him to jail.

It took us about twenty minutes to deliberate. Actually we took a vote immediately and all agreed he was guilty. Then we felt guilty for being done so quickly so we took about twenty minutes creating weak hypotheticals that could render him innocent and then shooting them down. Then we voted again - no change - and we told the judge we were done.

There were a few more minutes of waiting during which a few jurors made jokes about how we weren't going to get that free lunch paid for by the court. Then we went back into the courtroom. I could see on the defendant's face that he knew we had found him guilty. He looked defeated - like someone had made fun of him in front of his friends and he couldn't think of a comeback. It made my stomach hurt.

The jury foreperson (a sweet, middle-aged kindergarten teacher from the Upper East Side) had to stand and actually say the word "guilty." She only managed a whisper.

Then we were dismissed.

A Really LOST Cause

My recent diatribe against Scott's blind love for LOST has been spun into a feature on EW.com.

Check it out -

'Lost': Does It Suck or Rock?

In an uncensored IM debate, EW's Scott Brown responds to his friend Anthony King's attacks on the Rose flashback, Kate's personality disorder, and other dangling plot points

NO THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES Was Bernard
and Rose's back story one flashback too many?

LunchTruck Dude — I can't believe the last episode of LOST made you cry — Lame Town.

SlimPickinsBritches76 If Lame Town is a place where heartless bastards aren't allowed, I guess yeah, I live in Lame Town, population Not You. Don't tell me that Rose/Locke flashback wasn't both touching and plot-advancing...

LunchTruck Oh sure, I've barely been able to sleep waiting to see what happens to *Rose*. Come on! Not since the third season of ''What's Happenin'?'' has a show's title so accurately described its course. LOST is lost.

SlimPickinsBritches76 Lost is...finding itself. Like an impetuous twentysomething.

LunchTruck And no one wants to hang out with one of those.

SlimPickinsBritches76 You've got to let them explore if they're going to grow.

LunchTruck I wish they would explore! Watching people play poker and build churches out of sticks is not exploration. It's boring.

SlimPickinsBritches76 Hey, that was MANGO poker, and they're building a MAGIC church. You've just lost your faith in the Island.

LunchTruck Wow — you defend this show like you did your ex-girlfriend. She's abusing you! Get out!

SlimPickinsBritches76 Look, she...she...was just going through this phase...just being kind of mystical and aloof and promising me answers that never came...but we got through it! When she dumped me.

LunchTruck Hey! That was another time you cried! Speaking of girls — what the hell has happened to Kate this season? She's gone from ''sexy felon'' to ''whiny tanktop model.'' Why would they turn Kate into a silly girl who uses fake beards for leverage?

SlimPickinsBritches76 Fake beards? Are we going to start in on YOUR girlfriends now? OK, I'll concede, Kate's gotten pretty nebulous as a character. But what if that's intentional? What if her dependence on Sawyer and Jack is making her weak and stupid, and this becomes an issue? What if they call it out and use it?

LunchTruck Oh, they love to call out all their bad writing. So it doesn't make sense that anyone would pack a pregnancy test in their luggage? No problem — just have Kate say, ''Why would anyone put a pregnancy test in their luggage?'' Sorry — it's still bad writing.

SlimPickinsBritches76 This is TV — you've got to use every part of the buffalo. What's done is done, and you've locked yourself into a mythology that's supposed to encompass everything. Watching them game their way out is half the fun. And as for great characters, well, we've still got Locke...

LunchTruck Locke? You mean the guy who somehow memorized an elaborate blacklight map in 30 seconds while his leg was pierced by a steel door?

SlimPickinsBritches76 A MAGIC steel door...

LunchTruck Look — LOST has no idea where it's going anymore or how to get there. I hope the season finale proves me wrong, but they've forgotten what made the show interesting — there's no more struggle. It's just a bunch of pretty people playing games in paradise.

SlimPickinsBritches76 What the hell do you know? You think Back to the Future 2 is the best Back to the Future movie.

LunchTruck It is! And I hate you.

SlimPickinsBritches76 I hate you too.

LunchTruck Next week?

SlimPickinsBritches76 Sopranos.